He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
NASA has no chill
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?