I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
c’mon!
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting