I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
You Might Also Like
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I really had high hopes for this year though
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.