Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
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Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
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