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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that