I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
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When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…