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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Spell check is for lasers.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”