My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
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You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
yes yes a thousand times yes!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Driving in Europe vs Canada
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?