I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.