[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
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*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie