You Might Also Like
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
inventing words: clothing
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
We’ve come full circle
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in