My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
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Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
house sitting!
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department