There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
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This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.