Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
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adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
WTF
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”