[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
You Might Also Like
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.