I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan