Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
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Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
My wedding will be open casket.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.