I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
I have no passwords left in me
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?