When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
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GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
A game married people play.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*