Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
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Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position