is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
You Might Also Like
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
That’s fair
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…