Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
shit just got real
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.