Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
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[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.