i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
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4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…