Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Practicing safe sax
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.