imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
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I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I’m confused about plants
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”