This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Cat is stressing him out.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing