Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
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“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it