WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
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Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
we’re gonna need another temp
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget