[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
You Might Also Like
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does