COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
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T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days