if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.