Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
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The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Software Development ⛵️
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.