society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
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*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.