*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
God making man in his image was the original selfie
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
This is no longer winter this is harassment
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.