Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
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If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Lmbo
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels