me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
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[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.