Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
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*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
New menu item
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments