[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic