Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
inventing words: clothing
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase