Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
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[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I wish this was real life…