advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
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A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.