me before I type out affect or effect
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Hey I worked for it too!
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board