The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
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“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining