[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.