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BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
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#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?