I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
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*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Breaking news:
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!