I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)