[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
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me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.