Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.